


Blue Hyacinth (Sincerity)

by alma3lm3r



Category: SHINee
Genre: Gen, M/M, OT5, based around 2012 or so, i know it's tagged as jongtae and minkey but it's kind of vague, soft fic, they all love each other equally this one just happens to focus on jongtae, they're on tour but again very vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:13:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alma3lm3r/pseuds/alma3lm3r
Summary: “Taemin-ah. Taemin, wake up. It’s cold, Taemin, you have to come in.”It is cold. It makes Taemin not want to move, instead stay curled into himself on his side like he is now. But whoever’s leaning over him has a hand on his shoulder and breath falling on his cheek that feels very warm. Who is it? Taemin’s sleep muddled brain tries to work out what’s happening, and place the soft voice in his ear to anything relevant. He slowly and hesitantly opens his eyes to the cold air and first sees the moon, just barely peeking out from behind the clouds and lighting up all of the hard concrete digging into Taemin’s skin.





	Blue Hyacinth (Sincerity)

**Author's Note:**

> hi I mostly just wrote this to comfort myself, so if something seems out of character I apologize. Most of the perspective is very much based around my own, so . . . oops. Also I really need more practice with dialogue, but I did my best. hope you like it anyway :)

“Turn off the light on your way out, Taemin-ah.” Kibum stretches his arms over his head and raises his voice as Taemin gets further across the room.

“Okay.”

Minho nods at him from the armchair on his way out, Jonghyun across the room sharing a queen sized bed with Kibum and Jinki already dozing on the other, leaving space for Taemin when he gets back. Minho will probably take the couch like he’s been doing lately to fall asleep in hotels, or might switch places with Jjong at about 2 am when he’s tired himself out from playing video games and Jonghyun has woken up and can’t go back to sleep.

“Be careful, Taeminnie. Remember to check the room number before you leave.” Minho calls out to him when he reaches the door, hand already on the handle.

“Don’t worry. I won’t be gone long.” Minho smiles and turns back to his game, tossing his hair out of his eyes. Taemin opens the door and shuffles out, not even bothering to put on shoes. The soft carpet feels nice even with socks on, and he finds it relaxing to go on walks across it when he has too much energy.

It’s not exactly like Taemin to wander off on his own like this, but lately it’s felt necessary to be alone, clear his head a little. The others were worried a bit when he first started it a couple weeks ago, but slowly came around when they realized he was just getting some snacks and walking around, never even leaving the building. Still, he has to be careful. It wouldn’t be very hard for someone with ill intentions to find their way into their hotel, and not hesitate to do something nasty if just happening upon Taemin. Walking alone, barefoot through a foreign hotel in the middle of the night. But so far nothing’s gone wrong. Lucky they haven’t been rooming with the managers lately, or it’s not likely he could get away with it. But it’s different when someone is tailing you non stop, even if they are just there to protect and help you. Sometimes you just have to cut the cord, and go out on your own. The older Taemin gets the more apparent this becomes. He could never be tired of what his life has become, or the amount of time he spends with the rest, he just gets a little worn out every once in a while. This tour, it’s been every single night that he has to go out and be by himself though. Maybe he’s just growing up. Suddenly the screams and the pressure and the practice and everything else just feels a little different. A little harder.

Taemin sighs softly to himself as he makes it to the end of the hall. He peeks out the curtain to make sure there’s no one hiding in the bushes waiting for a picture, and when he sees that he’s probably safe, he opens it wider to take a good look.

The hotel is near the sea. It’s so quiet in the hotel right now that he can almost hear the waves crashing, even though the shore is about three street widths away. Maybe he’s just imagining it. But with the light of the moon twinkling down on the water, it isn’t very hard. He stands there as long as he can before he becomes restless again, breaths leaving marks on the window from how cold it is outside. Taemin sees this and pulls his hoodie closer to himself, wrapping his arms around his middle.

He walks back down the hallway to the soda machine and considers buying a coke before he thinks about the cold again. If he went downstairs, he could make hot chocolate, but then he’d be in full view of the front windows, and standing in an open and empty lobby all by himself. And the lights are very bright down there. And there’s always a possibility the desk clerk could ask him something, polite or not, and that would not be very pleasant right now. So he decides against it, despite how good the hot chocolate would be. Instead, he approaches the snack machine, and buys himself a chocolate bar with change that he gathered from the bottom of Jinki’s practice bag. He had kept count of how much change was in there for a few weeks, and when he’d noticed that the amount never changed (even when Jinki borrowed money for snacks from Minho) he figured Jinki must’ve forgotten it was there and reasoned with himself that it was perfectly okay to steal it, if only a little bit at a time. 

He grabs his chocolate bar and turns to maybe go back to the room, having already psyched himself out of going to the lobby by himself, when his eye catches a sign in English beside a door at the end of the hall. _Roof Access._

Taemin’s never really been on a roof. One time he visited his grandparents in the country and his dad climbed up on a ladder to check for a leak in the roof and held Taemin up on the edge with him for a little bit. But Taemin was scared then and there wasn’t anything very entertaining to see. He got down too quick to enjoy it. Taemin’s older now and not as scared of heights, and he bets the view from this ten story hotel next to the beach would be more than worth it.

He shuffles through the rest of the hallway to the door to the roof and checks over the rest of the sign to the best of his ability. He can’t find anything hinting at an alarm that might go off. Or anything hinting at roof access being prohibited. He briefly considers going back to the room to slip on some shoes or grab a heavier jacket, but he’d have to explain why he was leaving again, and they might tell him off. So he takes one more deep breath and pushes open the door, pausing for a second and preparing to run in case an alarm does go off. But when nothing does and he’s still just standing there in silence except for the sound of the water and wind he can now hear through the open door, he swallows his anxiety and enters the hall to the roof above. He almost closes the door all the way behind him before he realizes it probably locks automatically. He sticks his hands in his jacket pockets to feel for something to put in the gap to keep it open and finds only one thing big enough to work. A hard little toy that Jinki received as a gift at their most recent fan-sign. Taemin couldn’t name the character if he tried, but Jinki said it reminded him of Taemin much more than himself. Taemin guesses he can see that, with an awkward little smile and hands held kind of close to its chest like it’s shy. Taemin thinks it looks more like Jinki though, too cute to be anyone but Jinki.

He leans down and sets it in the open doorway, pulling the door closed and making sure it’s wedged tightly enough to keep a gap a few centimeters thick. He turns and walks down the hallway to the end of the stairs, where he pauses to look up into the open doorway onto the roof. He wonders why it isn’t closed before he looks closer and realizes there isn’t a door there at all, just some broken rusty hinges that one probably hung off of for years before giving out one day. The moon is nearly full tonight, and the light falling into the hall lights up everything.

The rest of the hotel is scarily up to date, so clean and minimalistic Taemin had been thinking it’d been built within the past couple years or so. But he realizes now it must’ve just cashed out on renovations, as the walls of the little hallway and stairwell he’s standing in now are covered in dated notes and signatures, some of them going as far back as decades. There are a few names in Korean and Japanese, more in English, but the vast majority in languages that Taemin couldn’t even begin to understand on his own. Most of what he can catch consists of cheesy phrases and hearts and smiley faces, _“I love you”_ s and _“together forever”_ s and the like. It’s a bit romantic, also a bit annoying. He wonders why no one’s bothered cleaning this up over all the years. Maybe it’s just a skeleton in the closet. Or something for the staff to enjoy on their own. He raises his hand to trace some of the characters on the stone walls, reveling in the discovery of so much information from people he’s never met and likely never will. He realizes Jonghyun would love this, and makes up his mind to show him in the morning.

Taemin steps out the door and onto the roof and is hit with a cold breeze, ruffling his hair across his forehead and shoulders. He curls his toes against the concrete through his socks, and holds his breath as he walks towards the edge of the roof, to look out over the city and the shore.

The moon is resting just in the middle of the sky. Full enough to illuminate the beach and most of Taemin’s surroundings besides what falls in the shadows. The city they’re staying in is small, far enough away from the venue earlier that day for an hour long drive. But the streets are relatively big and lined with hotels and restaurants, though particularly calm and quiet considering the time. Maybe it’s a very family friendly town, Taemin thinks. Maybe everyone here is already asleep.

Something about that makes his stomach hurt.

There aren't many lights coming from the street below. A few streetlamps and neon lights and open windows, but nothing else. Even though it doesn’t look like much from here, on the drive in Taemin could see the it from far away. It was dark outside and the bubble of the city was lit up like fireflies in the distance. Or colorful embers jumping off of a fire. It made him excited for a second about something new to be seen, but when they arrived and settled down he realized it wasn’t that different from any other place they’ve been. He told Kibum, who told him he just hadn’t noticed all the other times a city was lit up like that because he fell asleep too early in the car. Which isn’t true. Usually Taemin just takes that time to rest, and keep his eyes closed. If Kibum or someone else had mentioned looking out the window then Taemin would’ve. But maybe they all just expected each other to be used to those things by now. Growing up in a bigger city you’d figure that Taemin really would be, but they all look a little bit different from the outside for him.

_Deep Breath._ Taemin reaches out to touch the edge of the roof, but the concrete is too cold. He pulls his hands back and keeps them wrapped in the sleeves of his hoodie. Instead, he moves back to the middle of the roof and sits down with his legs crossed. He can do without seeing a city and shore for one night. Maybe he is getting used to them. He looks up to the moon instead, and at the way the clouds move around it like blankets wrapped around a body. Despite the cold something about it feels warm. The clouds resting over the moon appear grey, barely tinted blue. Hydrangeas creeping around the curved edge and into Taemin’s view. Waving slightly in the wind before pulling back, resting and falling asleep somewhere. Blue hyacinth growing across the shoreline and reaching up, stretching all the way to meet the sky, drop petals across her like raindrops.

 

* * *

 

“Taemin-ah. Taemin, wake up. It’s cold, Taemin, you have to come in.” 

It is cold. It makes Taemin not want to move, instead stay curled into himself on his side like he is now. But whoever’s leaning over him has a hand on his shoulder and breath falling on his cheek that feels very warm. Who is it? Taemin’s sleep muddled brain tries to work out what’s happening, and place the soft voice in his ear to anything relevant. He slowly and hesitantly opens his eyes to the cold air and first sees the moon, just barely peeking out from behind the clouds and lighting up all of the hard concrete digging into Taemin’s skin. 

“Jonghyun?” Taemin blinks his eyes open further and turns onto his back to see Jjong leaning right over him. He looks a little concerned, but amused above all else, a soft smile pulling at one corner of his lips. 

“Who else? It’s three am.” He laughs a little and Taemin smiles back, still waiting for his brain to fully wake up and tell him what to do. 

“How’d you find me up here?” 

Jonghyun laughs a little more and leans back, holding out his arm and helping Taemin get up into a sitting position. 

“It wasn’t very hard to figure out. There’s no balcony on our room or floor and I doubted you’d walk down to the lobby by yourself. Also I saw the tiny Jinki in the doorway while I was looking.”

Taemin dusts off his hoodie and stretches his legs out in front of him, shaking his hands out to regain feeling. 

“I could’ve gone to the lobby by myself. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Jonghyun smiles warmly and wraps an arm around his knee brought up to his chest. 

“Of course.”

Taemin catches his eye for a second, then turns to shake his head a little and look around at the roof again. The moon is higher now, and though it was bright earlier, now just about everything is visible. A circle of lawn chairs and ash trays in the corner. Black trash bags leaning up against the doorway from the floor below. The burnt out looking petunias growing in the flower bed up against the edge of the building. He shakes his head more harshly, like he’s shaking water out of his ears, then turns to look at Jonghyun again and yawns. He’s not surprised to see Jjong yawn back almost immediately, and suddenly notices the dark bags under his eyes. It’s not likely he slept at all while he was lying down earlier. 

“Is it really 3 am?” Taemin asks, rubbing at his eye with a knuckle. Jonghyun gives him a tired nod.

“Everyone else went to sleep pretty soon after you left. I was trying to get some writing in when I noticed you’d been gone a while.”

“I’m sorry. I just came out here to look around, but I guess . . . I was really tired.” That’s not a lie. Taemin hadn’t realized how much the day had worn him out not just mentally but physically as well.

“It’s okay. If anything I should’ve been more worried. When I did realize it was a welcome break, though. Trust me.”

Taemin nods back slowly. Jonghyun always makes it a point to write while they’re on tour. Sometimes it makes Taemin a little worried, because it almost seems like he stays up late on purpose to get more work in, but Jonghyun’s told him that he would be up most of the time regardless. Writing just gives him something to do. And Taemin can understand why it’d be easier to write the kinds of things Jonghyun does alone and late at night. Honest and colored. 

“Anything you like? Or that you can show me?”

Jonghyun smiles again, this time a little teasing. 

“There’s plenty that I like. I’m not going to show you any yet.”

Taemin tilts his head a little instead of voicing a question. 

“I’ll show you them when they’re really good. Then you can tell me what you think.” 

_That’s not any fair_ , Taemin thinks. Jjong always shows him the things he creates when they’re too good, so now everything he does is perfect in Taemin’s perspective. He can’t see all the little mistakes and cross-outs, just the semi-final product. Jonghyun makes it out like what he puts out onto a page in one go isn’t beautiful, but it must be from everything Taemin’s seen.

Now Jjong tilts his head a little bit, probably at the somewhat sour expression on Taemin’s face. 

“You’ll be the first, I promise.” 

That’s not what Taemin’s upset about, but he smiles anyways, because it’s sweet. He suddenly remembers the writing in the stairwell that he wanted to show Jonghyun. 

“Did you look in the hallway? At the walls?” Taemin gets too excited so his words come out a little choppy, but luckily Jonghyun understands and smiles at him.

“I did! I didn’t stop to read much but I saw some of it!”

Taemin pulls into himself more and pulls his knees closer like Jonghyun has. 

“I just thought you’d like that. Since there’s so many people writing about themselves . . . it’s sort of romantic. You really like romantic things.” 

Jonghyun’s eyes widen a little bit and his face falls from amused to something more calm. He nods. 

“I do.” 

Taemin smiles and nods back. The moon is steadily rising, put into perspective by the clouds it appears to be passing by, trailing behind like smoke or shooting stars. The light falling on Jonghyun makes his skin seem paler than usual, and all the shadows on his face darker. His eyes are just as warm as ever however, deep and fond. Somehow full of so many things Taemin can’t even begin to understand. Then something shifts a little bit. And Taemin realizes he’s been staring into Jonghyun’s eyes for a long enough time to maybe make someone uncomfortable. A gust of wind blows and as Taemin shivers he breaks eye contact. 

“We should go inside now. It’s freezing. And we have a schedule tomorrow at noon.”  
Jonghyun nods, though he still looks a bit caught in thought, and grabs Taemin’s offered hand to help pull him to his feet. Taemin notices for the first time that Jonghyun doesn’t have a jacket on at all, just long sleeve t-shirt, stretched out to cover his hands as well. Taemin stands facing Jonghyun, and only hesitates for a second before pulling him into a tight hug, bending down a little to rest his head against his shoulder. Jonghyun hugs him back, and they stand there a little longer, rocking back and forth against the wind. 

“Thank you.”

Taemin voice comes out small. A stark contrast to what he’s been trained for. A strong voice and powerful attitude. He lets his muscles relax holding Jjong, his jaw and his shoulders dropping. He takes another deep breath, the cold air coming in hot next to Jonghyun’s neck. 

“No problem.”

Jonghyun sounds certain. Even though Taemin woke up to him there like a dream, his presence is so absolute. His voice is solid and grounds Taemin to reality. He suddenly feels so tired. 

“Let’s go inside, Taeminnie.”

“Okay.”  
Taemin lets go and Jonghyun pulls back to smile at him again before turning to lead the way back inside. He stops once they get into the stairwell and lets his hand rest on one of the hearts scrawled on the wall. 

“I like this one.” Taemin points to a slightly different heart a couple feet away just to mess with him, and Jonghyun laughs quietly and pulls him away. 

“Come on.”

They make sure to grab the Jinki toy and Taemin shoves it into his pocket before they close the door all the way. When they make it back to the room, Kibum and Minho are passed out and doing something close to cuddling that they would never ever call cuddling, and Jinki is sleeping on the couch. He probably woke up and noticed that both Jonghyun and Taemin were gone and wanted to give Jjong another chance to sleep on a bed. Taemin smiles to himself at the sight of Jinki hugging a pillow to his chest with a pout on his face. Somehow he’s cuter than the toy.

Taemin and Jonghyun take the other bed left, which is next to the window. The curtains are cracked the tiniest bit, but it’s enough for some moonlight to pool into the room. It settles over the bridge of Jonghyun’s nose, and the hollows underneath his eyes. It probably seeps into his skin, as well as Taemin’s, and heals some burn that all their time spent in the sun during the day left in them.


End file.
